what happened?-all day at work i tortured myself with thoughts of what we talked about yesterday. i cried, a lot. time dragged on like never before. an hour and 15 minutes before my shift ended tim noticed me and sent me out back to pull myself together. scott noticed me crying in the corner and said i can talk to him if i needed to. i always keep myself bottled up to everyone, but i wiped my tears away and sat on the ground next to him, i asked him for a cigarette, it don’t know exactly how but it really calmed me down. i told him what happened, and he shared a story of his own. he helped me figure out what i should really be asking myself.
thoughts i had?-i don’t know who or what to blame. i feel betrayed, even though i know i wasn’t. i don’t know how to accept what happened. i’m so lost and i don’t know what to do. i missed you all day. i have something i need to tell you that you’re going to hate. i’m so sorry. i want to get better, i want to move on, the past is the past, but it’s hurts so much. i can’t imagine you with another person doing things like that so soon, even though you explained everything to me and helped me understand. i just never thought you’d do things like that. it’s killing me inside. i love you so much, i don’t want this to get in the way of us. i know i told you that was the deal breaker, but i can’t honor my own word. i love you too much. why didn’t you ask me before you did anything? i would have done that for you, i’m so sorry i make you feel like you couldn’t talk to me, it’s all my fault. it’s all my own stupid fault. i hate myself for all of this, i’m so unhealthy. all this anxiety is eating me alive. i want to fast forward to when it won’t hurt anymore. will there ever be a time where it won’t? please let there be a time. i want to be happy, i want to be happy with you. i’m so sad, mad, jealous, uncomfortable, depressed, though it all goes away when i’m with you. i hate being alone in my room right now. i miss you. i hope you’ll forgive me for what i’ve done. i understand if you never want to be with me or trust me again. the relationship i’ve had with you was the greatest thing i have ever had in my life, and has given me so many insane challenges that are so hard to face and keep. i want to be positive, i can be one in a while, but it never lasts lately. please let this have a beautiful ending. i’m trying so hard. i’m trying so hard not to give up. i don’t want to give up. i don’t want to give up. i don’t want to give up. i don’t want to give up on us. ever.